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Sarah Palin for Vice President: Credentials, schmedentials

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Pay no mind, Ms. Palin, to those who would question your credentials. As  John McCain and the entire Republican party would say: Credentials, schmediantials. Who need credentials when you’re a maverick?  And if the past eight years are any indication, they’re probably right.

See, Americans have a short attention span for detail and a large appetite for fluff. So there are many in this country who will never hear the the criticims being made against your record, beginning with your current involvement in the State of Alaska’s investigation for governatorial abuse of power, an impeachable offense. (Read here for the take, according to a fellow Alaskan). There’s good guys, and there’s bad guys in this world–you’re either with us, or you’re ag’in’ us. The GOP assures us you’re a good guy, Ms. Palin, which is a stamp of approval on your executive decision to break the law and pressure the State Safety Commissioner, Walt Monegan, into firing your ex-brother-in-law, trooper Mike Wooten (on charges waged by you and your sister, which have yet to be substantiated) and to then retalitate and fire Walt Monegan, on bogus charges, for not firing your ex-brother-in-law. All the while, of course, you lied about all the phone calls you and your surrogates made to Walt Monegan, during the course of pressuring him into firing your ex-brother-in-law. You lied. That is, until you found out some of the calls had been taped. I admit, it looks bad. Not to worry. As your potential-predecessor, Dick Cheney (a maverick in his own right) could tell you, when it comes to breaking the law, the ends sometimes do justify the means. And even if they don’t, it doesn’t matter, because Americans aren’t really paying attention, anyway, and even if they are, it doesn’t matter because, if the people complain, all you have to do is stare them in the eye and say, “So?”  Besides, unless the media tell us to think otherwise, the investigation into your abuse of power will have been forgotten by next week.

Americans have an even shorter attention span for elitist, ethical debates — particularly if that debate is between people, like yourself, who are simply trying to get the job done, and short-sighted tree-hugging liberals, always yelling about their global warming fairy tales, or about saving the latest animal-of-the week. It should come as no surprise, then, you’ll get no argument from most Americans over the slaughering of habituated Katmai National Park grizzly bears in Katmai Reserve, or the aerial shooting of wolves and bears in Alaska , a brutal program designed to increase moose and caribou populations for hunters — both programs which you, as governor, support. 

Nor will most Americans debate the ethics of the oil and gas drilling you’ve proposed in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and throughout the sensitive lands and waterways of Alaska, no matter how much the ‘science’ says this will ruin America’s wilderness treasures and will threaten highly endangered populations of polar bears and beluga whales. Fact is, most Americans will probably cheer your refusal to release the scientific papers held in your office, sourced from both state and federal scientific analyses that concluded “two-thirds of the world’s polar bears would likely be extirpated by mid-century, due to loss of sea ice, including all those off Alaska.” After all, these darned scientific papers (see Anchorage Daily News, the Alaska Wildlife Alliance ) were threatening your drilling and pipelines. To heck with the science on threatened polar bears and beluga whales! (But, just to be safe, Ms. Palin, it’d be a good idea to keep wearing that polar bear lapel pin).

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from TIME magazine: Leaving Polar Bears Out in the Cold

In January, Sarah Palin wrote in a New York Times op-ed piece, “[polar bears] are worthy of our utmost efforts to protect them and their Arctic habitat. But adding polar bears to the nation’s list of endangered species, as some are now proposing, should not be part of those efforts.” In May, the Alaskan governor opposed the Interior Department’s listing the polar bear as threatened, and prompted the ire of environmentalists and animal rights activists. In August, Palin, who has long advocated opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling, rallied her fellow Alaskan officials to sue Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne, arguing that extending protection to the polar bear under the Endangered Species Act is unwarranted and will hinder Alaska’s gas industry and offshore drilling development.

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Honestly, Ms. Palin, if I didn’t know better (and I’m not so sure that I do) I’d think you’d been formally schooled in Dick Cheney’s take-the-oil-lands-by-subterfuge-from-their-cold-dead-hands strategy, along with a course in public speaking from George Bush. As your recent statements on oil, foreign policy and energy independence indicate, you are at least as well-versed as George W. Bush on topics of import: 

When I look every day, the big oil company’s building is right out there next to me, and it’s quite a reminder that we should have mutually beneficial relationships with the oil industry.

I thought when we hit $100 a barrel for oil it would have been a psychological barrier that would have caused Congress to reconsider, but they didn’t.

I beg to disagree with any candidate who would say we can’t drill our way out of our problem…

I am encouraged with [John McCain’s] evolved thinking on offshore drilling, and I think he might come along on ANWR if he sees our 2,000 acres for himself.

The GOP agenda to ramp up domestic supplies of energy is the only way that we’re going to become energy independent, the only way that we are going to become a more secure nation — and I say this, of course, looking at the situation we are in right now, at war, not knowing what the plan is to ever end the war that we’re engaged in, understanding that Americans are seeking solutions, and they are seeking resolution in this war effort, so energy supplies, being able to produce and supply domestically, is going to be a big part of that.

[And so] kind of on a personal level, when I talk about, umm, the plan for the war, you know, let’s make sure we have a plan here, and respecting McCain’s position on that.

Does this embarrass you at all? Not to worry. Running on the GOP ticket, you needn’t worry about mangling the English language and talking gibberish. It’s become a bit of a tradition over the past 8 years. Fact is, by running as a woman on the GOP ticket, you needn’t worry about much of anything at all. As a woman on the GOP ticket, you are entitled to claim that you are every bit as capable as any man, while simultaneously crying “Fowl!” if a man talks over your head. (Hillary Clinton, you’re not!) As the Republicans and the media have already made clear, Joe Biden will risk looking like a bully or an elitist if he hammers you or talks over your head on foreign policy, so he has little choice but to dummy-down the national dialogue, another thing that has become tradition over the past 8 years. 

Truth is, you needn’t worry about anything you’ve ever done, or anything you ever will do, because you, Sarah Palin, are a friend to big oil. In a country addicted to oil, you are what’s called, in AA rooms across American, a drunkard’s dream. So long as you keep us supplied, we’ll keep your dirty little secrets. We won’t dwell overlong on your original support for Ted Stevens infamous $398 million “bridge to nowhere” behemoth of a pork-barrel project. Instead, we’ll focus on your later opposition to the bridge. And we won’t argue the GOP’s orwellian claim that you fight big oil, even as it takes only two words “Palin + oil” to google the truth that you are in bed with big oil. And to make sure the folks in Alaska don’t mind, you’re giving them $1200 bonuses, not unlike the recent Bush bonus plan, designed to shut us up. After all, you’re a maverick. Anything goes. As a maverick, you are entitled to say one thing, then do another. You are entitled to do the exact opposite of what you say you are doing, then turn around the next day and do what said you’d never do. Anything goes. That’s the beauty of being a maverick.

And just because you’re unqualified to the job, doesn’t mean you can’t be a maverick. Some of our most famous mavericks were also the most profoundly unqualified to the job. Just look at George Bush. Besides, John McCain can bring you up to snuff in no time, tutoring you in the finer points, according to John McCain’s world view, of constitutional law and political science, U.S. and foreign policy, international diplomacy, the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere (including knowing the difference between a Sunni and a Shia), along with the basics of how to manage a $2.9 trillion budget, which should be a snap to an ex-beauty queen with a degree in journalism, who’s spent the past 20 months governing a state with a population the size of Charlotte, NC. — qualifications which, according to the GOP and the media, exceed those of a four-year U.S. Senator with a Harvard law degree, who served as President for the Harvard Law Review, and who taught constitutional law for 12 years, and served 6-years in the Illinois State Senate. 

Fact is, Ms. Palin — if the past 8 years are any indication — your lack of qualifications may actually be your greatest asset. See, we live in a time when Americans tend to look down their noses at politicians elitists who engage in intelligent, thoughtful discourse. We don’t cotton to folks who tout ideals like like careful deliberation and diplomacy appeasement. What Americans want is something easy to grasp — and the more entertaining, the better. Substance matters little and, here, you have a real edge over Obama-Biden. Tell us how there’s nothing wrong with America that couldn’t be fixed with prayer in schools. Tell American women they don’t need Roe v. Wade. Tell us it’s part of god’s plan for a 16-year old victim of incest to carry her father’s child to term. Tell us how a mother of five can have it all: juggle a 12-hour work day, while simultaneously carrying a platform for family values, without sacrificing the special needs of a 4-month old infant. Show us your beauty pageant photos juxtaposed next to the footage of you firing off an assault rifle. Keep wearing that polar bear lapel pin. Tell us, Ms. Palin, how you shoot the moose and grind its flesh into mooseburgers, and you’ll have us eating out of your pretty little hands.

Will John McCain’s latest trophy be America’s VP Darling Sweetheart?
(1) Ex-beauty queen, Sarah Palin, Miss Wasilla 1984!  (2) Trophy candidate, Sarah Palin, poses beside her own trophy, the carcass of a slaughtered grizzly bear; (3) Proud caribou hunter, Sarah Palin, encourages her freshly slaughtered trophy to smile for the camera. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Sarah Palin for Vice-President: Credentials, Schmedentials” — by Mantis Katz, for canarypapers.com

See also: Here it is, Sarah Palin: A Job Description for Vice President

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